Me, MYSeLF & i…

Phew… nightmares ended for her. On so many levels.

First it was the whole nightmare she had to endure with her relationship. She kept thinking that what she had discovered was bad; to only realize that he is still trying to make it work. She realized it today after going out with her girlfriend that things weren’t that bad. She realized why it has been so hard for her to overcome the pain and the hurt that she had discovered. She now knows that she can get pass this nightmare; and she will.

Her ultimate nightmare was her results. She didn’t expect to be in "dean’s list" or any list for that matter. She just wants to pass the papers she took and get it over with! Her worst nightmare was to repeat one or two subjects as she had a feeling that she had not performed well at all during the end-of-semester exams. Carrymarks for certain subjects were not as promising to help either for her. It was to her certainty point that she would be repeating at least two subjects.

At 5pm, an hour before the actual results are suppose to be exposed online, she was able to access her results. Many might find her eager to know her results; because she checks every hour by clicking the matric and pin number. Little did anyone knew, she was dreading that day of her life. The day she knew she was going to have to face her fears of her failed results.

The time came and she was taken aback. There were no repeats of any subjects. There were no C+ even. The worst she did was a B-. She smiled; then she cried a tear of happiness. She took a closer look to make sure she got the right semester on. She called out to her mom. She hugged her mom tightly and cried. She was so thankful that the results were not as bad as she had anticipated.

She stared at the monitor. She couldn’t believe her eyes. Her results are pretty deceiving. Nevertheless, she’s VERY happy bout it and VERY thankful to God for bestowing her His grace and blessings for this semester. She was and still is thankful over the results that she had gotten.

~two nightmares away!~

She is eager to know her results!

Result for Undergraduate students Semester 1, 2005/2006 will be
    available on November 28, 2005 ( after 6.00pm )

Result for Postgraduate students Semester 1, 2005/2006 will be
    available on November 30, 2005 ( after 10.00am )

She pressed the button… it’s still this..

Yes… results only out at 6pm… it’s only 10am.. aisehhh..

Huh? Geography objective exam in UiA? WTF?

That was her dream yesterday… She dreamt that she didn’t have enough time to do Geography final exams in UiA. She knows that her results are coming out soon and she wonders what could Geography be possibly similar to in her law subjects.

She had the similar type of dream when she took English as a subject in UiA. She had dreamt that she failed French with a big RED F. Then, when she got the results her English paper for that particular semester was a big fat A. Well, she is cracking her head to figure out what could Geography be similar to….

*sigh* Results out this coming Monday, 28th November, 2005; 6pm.

‘Hey… what you know..it’s raining’ she thought to herself. The sun was shining and the rain is pourin’ heavily. She felt like curling back in bed.

Awaken in the morning, her main aim was to send out the photos she took yesterday to her friends. She had stayed up until 3:30am. Had too clarify and edit some pictures. Something she cannot put off editing photos because she loves to edit photos.

She had a good time yesterday. A tiring good time. But it was good because she found the reason why she still wants to stay in friendster. Her contacts were plenty. Although not all came by, but the reasonable handful had made her smile in her sleep.

The one person she admires most is her mother. Her mother is one strong lady who had provided all the food for her friends. For that she thankx her mother for the unconditional love given to her.

Another person, Shahril Nizam Abd. Karim.

Yes, the same guy who had recently made her feelin’ uneasy and in a limbo. In a limbo of hurt, despair and unable to make her decision of her relationship with him. The same guy who made her have sleepless nights and endless of wakening nightmares ’til she felt like a walkin’ zombi-clown around the house. Why zombi-clown…? She smiles like a clown but her mind is dead and numb thinking bout the same nightmare of discovery. She still has goosebumps and cold hands and feet when she saw the things she discovered on that fateful 21st November, 2005.

Yesterday, was her small *turn big* gathering for Hari Raya. Many turned up despite the usual "Insya-Allah" replies to her. Her sister left for UiTM by 3:30pm. She was left to host the event on her own. By 5:30pm, she texted Shahril to come over and be by her side. He replied that he will only come over by 6:15pm. She entertained her friends in an equal fair manner.

‘Ahh.. rain has stopped…’ she said lookin’ outside at the hot weather.

The first to have arrived was her friend Rajdeep. Followed by A-a and her friend Ramizah. Then came Shue, Adam, Nik Waheeda, Sasha, Afzan, Nash and Ashikin. These were her first batch of friends for her. Majority are UiA-ans.

Then, came Nadia (Pugut), Lisa *nadia’s cousin*, Azlan, Haykal, Sri, Zaid, Nadia Jasmine and Fatiha Hana. 2nd batch of friends mostly from her neighbourhood. Fary came in after Fazlem and Hazlina came by.

Linger.. linger… soo many places she had to walk. Playin’ hostess was tiring! but she was still happy nonetheless.

Then, Shahril went to get Elly. Meanwhile, Suhana and hubby came by. Wan Nadirah also dropped by and stayed around. Ahfa brought his friend Yani. Yuhana Ashikin came at about 8pm.

Syahrunizam and Edi came by too. She felt really happy to have so many varieties of friends. She was not able to go around and entertain everyone that came. She hopes no one thinks she was playing favourites. She had only a pair of hands and legs to layan everyone…!

Then, Sarah Khalilah and also Hameedah came by. They had a good time catching up together. She wasn’t able to take any photos though. Sigh.

Haniff came too with Lyn. Her representative from Multiply. *again, no pictures.. sigh* "Thank you for coming Haniff… and Lyn..!"

Last batch that came that night, Husni and Mariati, Idaura, Zaireen, Zalma, Nur Najwa and Nur Diyana… and they left by 9:45pm.

What made her smile more was how helpful Shahril was to her. She knows that somehow, she can live with the problem and it will be burried as an experiance of her bumpy relationship. He was helpin her with the drinks, the washing, the putting away all the plates that were already done with and the cleaning up after the last guests left.

He had massaged her aching feet. All the standings and all the running around up and down had made her feet sore but her heart happy. As he was massaging her, she looked at him and she couldn’t help smiling. "Things may have turn into a different direction and I may be looking at you differently now, nevertheless, your persistance to make me love and trust you again makes my heart smile again." she felt like saying to him. *but she didn’t say this to him.. she doesn’t know how to..*

*Ahh… another day.. another challenge..*

I needed more time to understand what I think
Instead I agreed to go out with you
Your distance gave my heart a wink
You gave me space to be true

We walked around side by side
You didn’t force me to anything I don’t like
For that I must confide
You gave my heart a smilin’ sight

You worked hard to make me smile
I wanted to stay off jokes for awhile
But how could I resist your charms?
I just can’t imagine being in anyone else’s arms…

Wanting to see if I still feel that love for you
I slipped my hands into yours out of the blue
You looked surprised, I have to say
But you grasp my hands to make it stay

I felt your guilt shooting out of your eyes
You were no jerk in disguise
I know what I feel and I know it’s somewhat true
I will give the second chance to you

With a smile and you in my hands
With a movie and dinner
With everything you had planned
I decided there to have you as my man

Trust is something you have to work on
Trust is something not easily bought
Not to say I don’t trust you entirely
But it’s your job to make me trust you again deeply

This relationship starts again today
2 years and 1 month of together
My aim is to shake of what I saw
Yours is to make me trust you more…

Sarah Kambali

I tried to sleep
Instead I weeped
The pillow is wet
I feel so dead…

Decision is mine
I need time
But it’s true
I still love you…

What I found on that day
Continues on and on to play
In my dreams and waking times
You stole the happiness from being mine

You admit finally
when the truth is in front of thee
At the park I cried my heart
It felt like a painful dart

Rummaging thru my stuff from you
I read the card that you made me flew
Instead of a smile and cry of happiness
There was frown and cry of sadness

Everything I see that I received from you
Everthing that I thought to be true
Everything means nothing to me now
You took it away with one bow…

I still love you but it hurts so much
I cannot bear to have your touch
At nights I sleep anon
My days are a nightmare undone…

Tell me how I get over this?
This little crazy twist…
What you did hurts me so
But I still don’t wanna let go

Maybe time I need to set me free
Maybe you need to show your love for me
It’s impossible to let it all go
Because memories are there, not permitted so…

To all my friends, I am alright
Just in a hiccup fright..
Trouble in paradise some might say
I don’t know whether I should leave or stay….

Sarah Kambali

Rain on Me - Ashanti

I’m looking in the mirror
At this woman down and out
She’s internally dying
I know this was not what love’s all about

I don’t want to be this woman
The second time around
‘Cause I’m waking up screamin’, no longer believin’
That I’m gonna be around…

And over and over I tried
Yet over and over you lied
Gettin’ over and over my pride, yeah
I don’t know why

(chorus:)
Rain on me
Lord, won’t you take this pain from me
I don’t wanna live, I don’t wanna breathe
Baby, just rain on me
Lord, won’t you take this pain from me
I don’t wanna live, I don’t wanna breathe, no

See, I don’t want to hold my pillow late at night no more

I’m tossin’ and turnin’ and thinkin’ ’bout burnin’ down these walls
I don’t wanna fuel this fire no more, no more, no more
See, I made up my mind ’cause I’ve wasted my time
Ain’t nothin’ here to keep me warm

And over and over I tried
Yet over and over you lied
Gettin’ over and over my pride, yeah
I don’t know why

And over and over I tried
Yet over and over you lied
Gettin’ over and over my pride, yeah
I cried, I cried, I cried, I cried, I cried

Oh…oh…oh…oh…

(chorus)

I’m so tired of the rain
In my life
And I’m so tired of the strain
And now you’re gonna lie

‘Cause sometimes I can’t sleep at night and
This here it just don’t seem right and
Sometimes I just wonder why I
Don’t know, let my life go by

‘Cause sometimes I can’t sleep at night and
This here it just don’t seem right and
Sometimes I just wonder why I
Don’t know, let my life go by

Oh…oh…oh…oh…oh…oh…

(chorus til the end…)

~~***~~~

She wonders whilst she sings this song… Wonders why she wants to go on with this life?

He admitted it was his fault. He took the blame… what more does she need from him?

She wants this memories to go away… The nightmare of yesterday haunts and she’s turning into a sicker girl than she ever was…

"My sickness boleh makan medication to stabilize my condition… Tapi, sakit hati… patah hati… there’s no medication in the world for that…"

"It takes just a single moment to wipe out all the trust you had for another person… One moment and it’s gone.." ~annonymous~

"Dunia ini.. Penuh kepalsuan.. Oh mungkinkah tiada keikhlasan… Apakah ini, suatu pembalasan? Ku sedar Kebesaran-Mu Tuhan…
Aku bagai sorang, kembara jalanan… Terumbang-ambing di lautan gelora…
mencari KEBAHAGIAAN.. dahan untuk MENUMPANG KASIH..
Mungkinkah suratan, hidup kan selalu kesorangan……."

Empty space.

Time.

Maybe it will heal her pain. Her ache. Her discovery. She loathes what she has become.

She hates him for taking away that perfect picture in her mind.

She needs to sleep again. Yesterday’s tossing and turning every hour does NOT help her at all….

Ah rain… how well you know me God? Let it rain… that’s how I am now..

She looked around…

Empty.

She’s alone..

How?

Foolish to think he was the one… foolish to think he would not hurt her. Maybe she’s too matured for him?

He admit his fault. He ask for forgiveness… he explained his reasons. He wants another chance…

Time.

Time is what she needs. She needs it bad; and she needs it alone.

She’s hurt. She sobs. She wish the Earth would swallow her in.

She wants to sleep. He rang her up. She’s afraid to sleep. She wants to rewind back to a time all this never happened… But it did.

It’s time to sleep again.

Being "in love".

Sometimes we become blind of the person we love. We tend to close one eye when the person who makes us happy, do something that is against our principle or outside of our liking.

Not answering calls or sms… maybe he/she busy/no credit/ no coverage (blame the network) and so on so forth. Not giving in to what we want, maybe he/she no time/cannot make it/made that appointment first before this… etc etc etc..

Sometimes, being in love with someone, we endure everything and every little & big thing that annoys us the most. We close one eye.. we don’t be truthful of what we truly feel. Afraid that the other person, the person we love would love us less or hate us just for bringing up a sensitive issue…

Me? My biggest fear in a relationship is to be accused to be jealous. At one point of my life, i know i am like every other women i know. I get angry and jealous when I find out about some unwanted flings or flirts. The discovery of things are not something i will be able to close an eye to.

In this world of blogging, i’ve learn to find some people saying nasty things about their past. Their past girlfriend or even boyfriend. I’ve done that too. I’m sure it made me look bad and made him who read it a little pissed and hurt of what i typed out. I remembered my first blog a long time ago, i referred him as "the hurtful past" and he was angry. So angry that he wanted to threaten me with so many things out in the open. Lets face it, when we were an item, i did love him but when we were not anymore, it gave him crap… *padahal, i was the one ended things…*

I know my reason for hurting him or hating him so much was because I was and am still scared of him. It was easier to maintain a hate relationship with each other because then he won’t be so hurt of the break. I didn’t mean to hurt him and I don’t think he meant to hurt me either. It just happens that way and there was nothin either one of us can do about it.

At present, I read a blog from a person who had dissed his ex. In a lyric of song. That wasn’t bad enough, his current girlfriend dissed her too.

No. I’m not a person who normally judges a person, but i sincerely believe that’s wrong. You’ve spent 2 years and more of your life with that ex, you made her end it in such a horrible mess and you messed up her head… why must she be the one being dissed upon? Is it not shameful of what you did to her? It should be her that diss you. But she chose not to. She respects you for your family. She respects the memories you two had together.

It’s even more petty when you potray and illustrate the petty things you fight about. Why don’t you tell the world what made her break up with you?

Why?

I don’t think i’ve ever told specifically in my blog why it didn’t work for me and my ex. In fact, in all due respect to our relationship and what we had, i’d rather not tarnish it by saying out loud what he did to me that was bad. There were still moments of good times. There were still times he treated me right. Is it fair to diss him in public for what he did or couldn’t do for me and my family? No.

you know who you are. and I know you are readin’ my blog. wouldn’t want to comment on your blog coz I know that your current girl would probably defend you. this is my two cents worth…

Of all the things I believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
counting the days that pass me by

I’ve been searching deep down in my soul
words that I’m hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I’m starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said…

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold onto

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can’t live a day without you
Closing my eyes
And you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it’s not right

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
Oh, woah

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what’s yours and I want what’s mine
I want you
But I’m not giving in this time

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold onto

Goodbye to you (Goodbye to you)
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew (Goodbye to you)
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold onto
(The one thing that i tried to hold onto)
The one thing that I tried to hold onto
(The one thing that i tried to hold onto)

Oh woah (The one thing that i tried to hold onto)
And when the stars fall I will lie awake
You’re my shooting star