Me, MYSeLF & i…

It was simply wonderful. Although this year she didn’t get to celebrate it with her man, she was nevertheless, she was able to have a small lepak session with her friends.

Stroke of 12.. it was the change of a new year. The year she will turn 24… the year she will do her operation… the year she will graduate from uni.. the year she parts with her studying life and start to embark upon the working world… the year for her stepping stone to everything.

She thinks hard of the coming year. The forseeable events that might happen. She shudders. She fears. What if the operation had gone bad? What if memang sampai di situ saja her life?

Everyone is afraid of operation… but she has to face it soon.

Me and shahril won!

Can you believe it??

Oh.. and i won Valiant merchandise!

Goodbye 2005.

Overall, 2005 was a fairly bumpy ride for me in ever way.
Good memories (in no particular order!) :

1. Winning lots of movie tickets and enjoying them with Shahril, Sri, Nadia (all the horror movies), Fary, Raina (Just Like Heaven), Laila and my family (KING KONG).
2. Meeting up new friends; especially Farah, Laila and Haniff… all the others that come with it!
3. Learn to appreciate theater more… and also the Orchestra Symphony
4. Strenghthen old ties with friends in TTDI. Played lots of foosball with Sri, Zuzu and Ojah.
5. Learn how to play pool.
6. Watched horror movies with my friend.
7. Winning Nescafe Kickstart goodies… shows how much my online participation leads me to.. This was a virtual treasure hunt daily contest. It wasn’t about the goodies offered, but the thought of winning was an achievement.
8. Won Valiant Merchandise!
9. Did not fail or repeat any subjects of law, although i feel i would actually have to. Alhamdullillah.
10. View my friends in campus in a whole different pesona. They are all helpful lot of people!
11. Celebrated dad’s birthday in December with movie and finding out he likes fine dining too!
12. Celebrated Een’s birthday and got to ride in her sweeeeeeet ride..
13. Celebrated my 2years relationship with Shahril Nizam Abd Karim in October.
14. Celebrated Shahril’s birthday in December with close friends.
15. Celebrated Farah Kamal’s birthday in Chilli’s OU with Laila and Shahril.
16. Met "Love" the iguana. (first time touching a reptile!)
17. Got my Celcom number back via trickery… hahaa.. my best memory actually.
18. Learn about new food places, the one in MidValley with Raina, Kabir and Fary; MANHATTAN FISH MARKET with Nadia during Ramadhan.
19. Watched SEPET and BAIK PUNYA CILOK and loved it!
20. Spent lots of times with Shahril at home.
21. Going around in a wheelchair with lots of help.
22. went to a couple of open houses…
23. made a small gathering for Raya
24. Done my BTN!
25. BEING IN FINAL YEAR FINAL SEMESTER
26. Learn to control emotions (aftermath of a fight).
27. BOUGHT a NEW PHONE!
28. haha.. turned 23 this year..
29. Got to lepak at KLPAC… gorgeous!
30. Did my attachment in ttdi…
31. Patched things with my ex-boyfriend…
32. Went to Rajdeep’s birthday party!
33. Attended Madihah’s brother’s wedding.
34. Stable health…
35. Had movie marathons.. managed to watch 43movies in the whole year!
36. Met up with family again

Bad memories (no order):

1. Fighting with Shahril over spending time with me
2. Fighting with Shahril over something he did stupid
3. Gone a little crazy
4. Normal family spats
5. Getting annoying messages in my Myspace and Friendster.. like "kingsley" and that "AWANG24"
   

Can’t remember bad memories.. haha… I think the 5 things is enough to be bad memories!

It is simply annoying to have a guy who doesn’t know you at all, only seen your picturesto woo you as though you’re everything in the world.

She is going through this. At this very moment and instant.

It started on the 25th of December, 2005. She checked her mail to find that there’s updates in her other connection type accounts. She had a message from myspace.com. From someone name "kingsley".

She doesn’t care so much for that site. To her, it’s a crappy site and it was THAT site that made her fought with her man in the first place. It’s a site which is more than 50% horny guys or gals; with pictures not covered with decent clothes. Nevertheless, she kept the account running because there are still her friends in that site. She would normally just "deny" those who tried adding her without messaging to her first.

Then came that day.. like every other day she gets all these icky messages from horny guys.

"honey hw ar u 2day i hope fine pls honey can we meet this week i want to sher life with honey pls can u sed ur phone number so i will call u canu came to my house or we go out i want to go out with u honey try to tell me ur feel so i will know ur feel i love take care my phone number 0129782219"

ICKY!

she replied…

I’m not impressed with your "honey" calling..

My name is pretty clear on my page.. and if you had checked my profile, i’m in a relationship..

mails like this irritates me… i do not want to call you.. i do not want to give you my number.. and i certainly do not want to meet up with you.. do not disturb me anymore!

she thought that was that…. but, she couldn’t be more wrong!

hw ar u 2day honey i.m live in pj damansara damai pls can u gv me ur contant phone number so i will call u so we will know how to see each other pls i love u i need really love now and i want some body to be my wife if i like ur life i can marry u this what i need now to sher my life with whom care 4 my love feeling i need now honey i want u to try me 1st ok pls i love to go with 0129782219 pls take good care i love can i kiss ur pic in ur profile i did it now soory 4 that b/c i feeling u that is why i did it i.m really love u

his iD = http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=26364746

ewwwwwwwwwwwww

*aduh… can my life get any yucky then this?*

She had an amazing day that Saturday (24th December, 2005). Her man was on his off day and he had wanted to watch a movie with her. Nervous as she was, she didn’t know how it would work if she wanted to watch a movie. But she was determined to watch a movie.. wheelchair and all.

Told her parents that she wanted to go out with her man. Dad was being concern but supportive. "Suruh Shahril bawa ‘Putra’ " *Putra was her  dad’s car. Her sister gave that name to the car*.

Called her man, and she conveyed the news. He was a little startled at what her dad had said. It was a huge responsibility to be bringing Putra out instead of his own car. Nevertheless, she could tell that he was happy to be driving Putra. It was a definite difference from driving any other car he has ever drove.

They went to OU. Title picked : Baik Punya Cilok

Bought the tickets and decided to buy more stuff to eat. They headed towards the entrance. It was on the second floor of the movie theater. They went up a really cool lift. Her man was really cool about everything.

They were treated like royalties. She thought, there is some perks of being handicapped. Well, temporary handicap is good. She’s trying to look at the bright side and she thinks despite the difficulty of bringing the wheelchair around, she’s still happy that she is able to be as close as normal.

She got to enjoy the movie. For that she thankx God for the kemudahan.

~2005 leaving.. hello 2006~

*close blogging for 2005 on 30th December.. wait for it..*

Yesterday….

that was a good fun filled Thursday (22nd Dec, 2005). It was her man’s birthday.

She had gotten him something that he would always love. She respects him as a person. She will not change what team he supports. To show that she loves him for him; not for the team he supports or not support, she bought the most unwanted gift any MANCHESTER UNITED supporter would ever buy. She bought a "PIRES" pillow t-shirt.

The day when the shopkeeper told her that her order had arrived; she was excited. She got her mom to buy it for her first and she paid her mother later. She wanted so much to wrap the gift, to buy him a card and just gave him the gift 1 month earlier; but she knew it was a jinx to get the gift so early beforehand.

Many things happened before his birthday. She thought, maybe the jinx is true. But, she was no fool. At least, she didn’t wrap the gift.

She got home from uni; she called up his friends… Syahrun, Onei and Vyna. Then, she called up Pugut *which was with Donna and P’ning..more the merrier!*.. It was perfect. Meet up point : Secret Recipe next to 7-E.

There was more people she wanted to call… but she didn’t want the event to become too big for her to monitor. After all, she knows that it’s a weekday and that most of her friends would be tired of classes & work. So she decided not to bother Kabir, Raina, Rajdeep, Fary, Fatiha Hana, Sri.. and others. Although, she would have LOVED them all to come.

6:30pm.

They head out to Secret Recipe. It was perfect that the rest did not arrive as yet. He wanted to have a table outside, she tried to persuade him to sit inside; but he likes the open air. So they sat cozily in a four seater round table. It was a rather small table.

After ordering, came the first surprise… Pugut, Donna and P’ning came. They sat down and he was surprised. He opened his gift and he was more surprised.

Then, came Onei. She was happy that he got out of bed and joined them. When she had called him, he did not sound so upbeat to join. Nevertheless, she was happy that he did join.

Her sister joined in the fun too. Syahrun was the last to have arrived; as always.

8 people making a havoc in front of Secret Recipe. After the "brownie-like-cake" and the blowing candles, they had a round of fun filled jokes. Syahrun had the cerita melampau out, Thailand like language translation of 3Doors Down, Donna’s mixing of Thai and Indonesian language… everyone was laughin’ endlessly.

She smiled..

It was good to see everyone having fun. Such a nice small gathering.

~~***~~

In his car, he told her that he told his mama bout her condition. She wasn’t prepared to this news. She was utterly afraid of what his mama would say; but she knew it was unavoidable.

Surprisingly, his mama was described to be understanding. She was not fully convinced but she would take his mama’s reaction to his news breakin’ bout her health as a start.

Around KL she went… with her birthday man driving.

~~***~~

Penang Mari.
Onei called up near to 11pm. She was beat but didn’t have the hearts to say no to him or her birthday man. She agreed to meet up for mamak drinks.


She didn’t expect to meet so many of schoolmates from primary school. Ida Farhani and her guy, Elinor and her cousin (Lene) and also Sae Kit with the guys (Rahman, Edward and Jit Hoong).

It was a mild reunion for her.

Took some pictures, got a little calling from her mother at 12:30am.

~~***~~

arrived home. happy as can be.

thank God that things did work out for her and her man. Today was just another fun filled event.

She had a whirl rollercoaster ride the past few days. First, her man got robbed… he was held with threats barehand by two big sized fella on motorbikes. They wanted money and also his handphone. She was devastated that such disaster had happened to him. But, she knew that it was something unavoidable.. *is it really unavoidable? he could have NOT parked there… but he did anyways..*

Then, came a happy time of outing with her family to her uncle’s pad near Bukit Jalil area. She was just in happy bliss to meet up with her mother’s side of the family. Medium sized family.

Now that she’s in front of the computer, alone and no one to chat with, she started to think. Think about life. Think about how much things bothered her. How thankful she was that her man is still alive. What her friends said in the morning had affected her feeling. Not sad. Just thinking how greatful he is still around.

"Thank God nothing happened to him…. nowadays they have parang and guns…"

That got her thinking. That triggered her tears.

Life is a gamble. That fateful Saturday morning, 2am was a real high stake gamble. She could have lost him for good. Forever.

Wheelchair… tongkat… pain.. sickness.. degree still not finished… shahril gone?

She feels like crumblin’. The thought scares her. The thought saddens her. The thought sent her saying her thankx to God for not making it any more difficult than it already is.

*Just one more event.. and she’ll quit uni.. one more event that can break her world to pieces..*

She was able to enjoy King Kong on the day she won the tickets. On the 14th of December, 2005.

The next morning, she got a shock of her life… King Kong of her faculty squashed her fav lecturer. Oh well, she should have known that good things do not last that long.

Due to the shock of change of lecturer, she decided to go on a shoppin’ spree. But she didn’t buy lots of things; she bought the one toy that made her happy for now. Some know by now that she got a new toy… others, she kept in the dark and a little secretive.

Ahh… no more Dr. Iqbal. *sobs*

Hello new toy…

Her first day in university using the cane and wheelchair.

Thankful. That’s how she’d describe her day in one word.

Thankful for caring friends. Thankful for kind lecturers. Thank you pity smiles along the way; but still encouraging. Mostly thankx to her parents and sister for giving her the space to try making it on her own without waiting til 10am for my class to start. *The class was cancelled though…*

She was accompanied by her friends. Some pushed her wheelchair. Some made way in front of her so that no one would block the way. She felt priviledge to have such friends. The guys were making good fun about her condition. Making it much more pleasant for her to smile and forget her pain and her ego. Seriously she doesn’t want to use the wheelchair more than anything, but she wasn’t going to let her ego in the way of her education. It’s either the wheelchair or her operation. She had opt to dump her ego in the bin and start to use the wheelchair from now til the end of the semester.

Despite of her condition, her friends treated her non different from how she is. Some offered their help. At the start, she was still a little egoistic, but she is trying to get use to it.

At 11am, she needed to go to her other class which was evidently in the third level. The only way for her to get up there was through the lift. If only her wheelchair had a rocket power to go up without the lift. A flying motion. That would be cool. Plus, it would take the burden of guilt of all those self-centerd juniors who rushed in the lift when it arrived.

They got to lift. Her friends had cleared the path to the one and only lift in the law faculty. When the lift arrived, it was only curtious to have the people inside to come out first. After done so, the ones outside would go in. Despite the fact SHE WAS IN A WHEELCHAIR, the GIRLS rushed in to the lift. This forced a half-hearted smile on her face. She knew she had wait for the next lift.

Somehow, somebody voiced out. She forgotten the indian lady (she’s a student too); she said outoud… "Kenapa tak bagi dia naik dulu?". Then, another girl, who she recognized was using a cane before (she had gotten better) voiced out behind her, "Bagilah dia naik dulu.."

She was happy there were people who noticed her unwanted situation. Usuallly, she’d take the stairs. If she could have powers to change the stairs into a slanting ramp, she would. Heck, if she had powers, she would make her legs better in a wink of an eye. She remembered the days she was able to climb the stairs up and she never did complained. She loved it. It gave her the rush feeling and also the extra exercise to keep fit. That was all before she got herself into this predicament.

At the respond of these people, she said clearly but not in any anger high tone, "Tak pe laa.. they are all inconsiderate. No use arguing.."

The moment she said that, the lift started to give its "overweight warning" sound. Those who had rushed in the lift, had gone out. Leaving space for her and her wheelchair to go in.

"Alhamdullillah…" she said silently to herself.

She settled in her class. She’s thankful of the help she got. She’s thankful of Allah, her one and only God, WHO had made it easier for her to go through her day with the wheelchair.

But, she hopes that she never bump into those self-centered females in law faculty again.

~Sigh… happiness comes with a price~

The last time she had gone out was on her last outing with her friends to watch the Chronicles of Narnia. Since then, she has an uneasy feeling going out. She’s scared to even step out of her house.

It was her ego. Her blasted ego that made her feel as though her short-comings would matter to the rest of the world. She’s not used to be showered with pity or uneasy smiles. She didn’t know how to react to them. Yesterday, she decided to overcome the fear. After all, she wanted to face everyone.

At 5pm, after chatting with her "daughter", she knew that this particular had knocked some sense to her. She felt as though she’s wasting her life feeling sorry for herself. The ego that she has superseeds any other person’s ego. She doesn’t like to walk around with her cane. She feels that she had pride to hold up too; at the price of her not going out at all.

After getting somewhat virtually smacked in the head by her lovely "daughter", who she luvs very much, she decided to get out of the house. Her aim was either to walk around in a park or a shopping complex. She wanted to try out her cain; she wanted to see how she would walk.

The journey from her driveway to the car was somewhat painful. She’s afraid that she would fall. She was sweating a lot. It was hard work. Her brains did not want her to walk. So many things were in her mind. She was extremely cautious as to how she’s walking. Her mind was playing over and over.. ‘Oh shit.. I’m gonna do this. People are going to see me with the cain. Pity smiles.. wondering looks.. OMG… why am I agreeing to this? Bail out now.. go back up in the house.. Shahril’s looking. What is he thinking.. concentrate.. walk.. why is it so painful to walk even with the cain? Oh God.. why can’t I walk properly with the cain? What’s wrong with me??’ panic thoughts kept on showering non stop. At some point she stop walking, pretending to catch her breath; but it was still far long to the car.

Her mother was worried. She was exhausted. Her mind was controlling her walking. She was really anxious and scared and her ego is bursting into her mind. She knows that due to the panic of people looking, she failed to walk properly to the car. Her first few steps in Ikano was not as good either.

There were many things she needed to get use to. the sliding escalator for one thing. The crowd looking and her boyfriend’s reputation. He kept on giving her encouragement. "Sayang, jalan macam you dah lama jalan pakai tongkat. It’s ok. Don’t worry. Don’t care what others think. I knwo you can do it…" he told her encouragingly. He let her grab his arms for support. He was holding her handbag. He was really being a good person to her.

They arrived at MFM for dinner. She had invited her daughter for dinner. She would have invited her usual friends out too, but she needed a small crowd to gain her confidence. They laughed and they had fun dining together. They had a "Dr. Iqbal" session too.

When it was time to leave, she was scared again. Scared that she would be unable to walk out dignified. Somehow or rather, she was getting the hang of the cain. At one point, she was walking on her own without the help of her boyfriend. She realized that her "daughter’s" existance has made her turn into another type of ego, ‘the ego to walk properly with the cain’.

Her alignment of the cain and her feet were good. She walked quite a lot in the complex. She was amazed at how easy it was to walk when her mind was not panicking over how she look like using a cain.

They got out of the complex, headed out to East West Cafe next. Had some drinks and had fun with couple of other friends. It was time that she faced his friends too. There’s no point of hiding at home with the cain. She hated sympathy but she knew that she was going to get them whether she want it or not. It was that moment that she realize that it is not that bad to get sympathy from people. At most, they would say.. ‘Hope you get better… jalan baik2…’

On her way back home, she couldn’t help but to smile at the person who was driving the car. When they were both seating at the normal white chairs at home, she kept on smiling some more. He asked her, what was she thinking. She said, nothing. He smiled back and said, "It’s ok. I know I’ll read about it in your blogs…" She blushed.

What was she actually thinking? She was thinking how things had changed for her so rapidly fast in the past few days. Lofe has gotten worst and good at the same time. The worst part was her condition, but her good part was her relationship with her man and her family. She feels so much like a burden to everyone close to her; but everyone really do care and love her. They don’t think that she is a burden. They love her no less.

As for her boyfriend, what he is doing for her now has made her not dwell in the past. She’s learning to forget and God’s giving her a reason for her to forget that small thing he did in the past. That was why she was smiling to him. She’s learning to trust him again. She hopes that he won’t make her feel like a fool.

Her ego is so big and huge. When will she
accept that she’s not who she was 2 years ago, is a mystery; to herself
even. Time will tell. Sigh.