Me, MYSeLF & i…

………….. guess laaaaaaaaa…

hihi… *grins*

I went out semalam! (of course with wheelchair and all…)

I went to The Curve! I saw the world… (hahaha… I’m blogging about going out…)

It’s a BIG DEAL ok! It’s been 3 weeks since my last real outing… And going to the Curve, best…

Mom wanted to go out… and I begged to follow. She made a deal with me and allowed me to go. Off we went.

There,
I cashed my RM100 Cheque from my Fly fm win in Maybank. Put in some
money in my Maybank account… walked around MJ for my dear friend’s
gift. Had lunch at Secret Recipe… and then I sat having COFFEE at
Starbucks! OMG… the day was really filled.

Btw, there’s a Sony
exhibition at the Curve… what’s more interesting there’s Sony auction
there too at certain times. I was able to experiance the first
auction…

Handy cam (original RM1,999) starting RM 999
Home theater (original RM 999) starting RM 699
Walkman (original 199) starting RM 79

It’s
every 2.30pm and 6.30pm only yesterday and today. Hmm… they
didn’t auction the Cybershot at 2:30pm… They might have auctioned it
at 6:30pm.. or going to today. Really cool stuff…

Of
course, I didn’t buy anything… I had the pleasure of being tortured
listening to the auction… My love for gadgets is never ending…

My
mother decided to leave me and my sister again after her "bazaar"
thing… she wanted to but things at Tesco (which was across). I took
this opportunity to roll to Ikano and find my mom’s present. Leaving my
dad at Starbucks on his own.

We found lovely cards and gifts for
my mom’s birthday. When we got back, I suggested to go to MpH AND we
did… God knows the last thing I need is more books.. but my addiction
is unstoppable.

We went searching for my mom and dad. As my mom
was getting the ticket stamped… the person who stamped it asked if we
had accumulated receipts of Rm300… and we did. We got ourselves
gifts.. and i’ll tell you bout it later

Today I woke up thinking about
how 2006 has effected the whole nation…. the beginning of the year
(as everyone recalls…) there was an increase on fuel price. The
government had promised to not increase the fuel for one year, the very
least…. (what everyone had anticipated, the government didn’t say it
was NOT going to increase other stuff…)

Many comparison was
made to that 30 cents hike in petrol. Malaysia’s price hike was said to
be one of the lowest. To me, it was the first sign of trouble here in
my own home. I don’t think it’ll effect much upon those who have been
living life lavishly (the fact that they are able to go about with no
hassle in their big cars that takes up fuel like water, made me to come
to this conclusion bout rich people..)

The hit would be mostly
felt upon the middle class society and also those who are trying to
make ends meet. Things will be much harder and harsher upon these
people. Namely, my family as well.

Many had protested to this hike, nonetheless… failed.

Anyways…. it’s now middle of the year. The government has decided to HIKE prices again. Take a wild guess… (I’m sure many would have anticipated this hike long before talks to hike began..) Yes. ELECTRICITY TARIFF.
By 12%! That makes it 26 cents a watt (starting 1st June). Who’s going
to suffer the most of this hike (other than the obvious of the
nation)…?

Companies that uses electricity is going to suffer
the most… i.e. the kilang-kilang that’s producing stuff at the most
minimum profit margin. Now that the increase of electricity there are a
couple of alternatives they would take - fire people… increase night
shifts (negative side, if most workers are female, kena ada security
for night shift.. cost lagi!)… shut down the whole operation for good.

What
about kilang processing food goods? They use lots of electricity. Would
that mean an increase to our daily consumeable items?? A price hike on
our food stuff?

But, maybe it’s just me. Maybe the hike would be
good for the nation. But… honestly, can someone show me where is the
goodness of it all.

Like most saying that I keep hearing….

"Naik
naik naik aje… minyak naik.. electricity naik.. nanti bill air pun
naik… makanan naik… minuman naik… satu jer tak naik naik… GAJI!"

sigh… The price of peace in this country… very expensive.

*Nothing in this blog was meant to offend the government… just some ramblings of a girl who thinks a lot…*

BTW… i don’t like friendster’s new outlook… boring btul!!

Sometimes people think that I’m home to rest all the time. That’s what I do apparently nowadays. I shouldn’t feel guilty of resting; but somehow I feel that I’m wasting my time resting away.

Although, I know there are people who are envious of my resting period. But, really… would you feel envious of JUST resting at home; being homebound with nothing else to do but sleep or be online.

I wanna go out.

I wanna watch movies.

I wanna go dine outside.

Arghh… It’s only been 3 weeks since my operation, and I’m already bored as ever. *Sigh*

I feel so helpless.

The recovering period sucks.

It’s tiring to be sick all over again. I remembered that time everyone was not allowed to visit me… it was for my own good.

Now, I did have a couple of visits from friends when I came back… mom was careful.

However, soon enough, I was matched back into hospital. Admitted I mean.

Sigh

Thank God it was JUST a Viral Fever.

Well, that’s all I wanna say… recovery sucks.

High and low I was searching for this book.

"Why the Toast Always Lands Butter Side Down… the Science of Murphy’s Law" by Richard Robinson.

It’s been such a long while since I last saw this book. I know I saw it with one of my friends and I was so intrigued.

I longed for a copy of my own; but to no avail. I was shocked to see the copy in the MpH plastic bag handed to me by my uncle yesterday. It was a plesant surprise. Now, I’m enjoying this copy.

*My rainbow comes unexpectantly…*

Mother’s Day.

A day where all mother’s are celebrated for their hardship of being a
mother. Appreciation cards. Bouquet of flowers. Gifts. All sorts of
things are marketed for mother’s day.

For me…. I don’t think I can afford anything to buy my mom a small
ounce of happiness. I feel such a failure at it. She has been nothing
but a tremandous mother to me. It brings me to tears everytime I read a
mother’s day card or even hear any mother’s day story on the television
or radio.

As I was eating my lunch, prepared by my mother… (another yummy Ikan Haruan soup), I heard A Mama song on radio. I started to feel sad. Tears were forming in my eyes.

My mom is a tough lady. Never had I ever seen a person tougher than my
mother. It breaks my heart when she is in sorrow or when she thinks her
daughters do not appreciate her. In actual fact, her daughters, namely
myself feel such a failure as a daughter.

My very biggest feeling of failure was to be diagnosed with Lupus on
her birthday. To me, it felt like a death sentence on my mother’s soul.
I couldn’t imagine how she felt when she found out I was actually a
Lupus patient. She prayed hard that I was having some other diseases
but God made it certain that I had LUPUS.

1st June 2003, I was diagnosed with Lupus.

Now three years have passed, and I’m now 24 years old. Old enough to be
working and supporting this small family. Old enough to be working and
ease my mother’s financial worries. Instead… she is taking care of me
yet again.

It trickled my heart with sorrow and despair. This was one mother’s day
that she is still going strong to nurse me to health. I have tears in
my eyes as I compose this blog.

She’s by my side in case I need to urinate or even any other bowl
movements. It might sounds yucky or even humiliating for a 24 year old
to be using the bed-pan… but, as I see her with much care and not a
frown on her face, she’s such a strong lady.

She’s the one bathing me in the mornings. She encourages me with
positive thoughts that I can move my muscles. She keeps the house
together. She does most of the works.

She brought me up to be who I am right now. And now she’s nursing me
like when she had me 24 years back. I look at her and I cry inside. I
know she’s tired, but she doesn’t show it. She sacrifice her own
freedom for her two daughters to make sure that they turn to be
somebody.

Now, this is the answer to many who wonders where I had developed my
strength. Aside from God’s help, I looked at my mother. Not once had
she broke down in front of me whilst taking care of me. She would
always smile.

No amount of money in the world could replace the mother I have. She’s the most valueable thing in my life than my own life.

I love her so much that it hurts to be near her. This year, I cry
silently as I knew I couldn’t do anything to ease her burden yet. I
have graduated but I’m still incapable of giving her anything that she
needs. The ONLY thing I can do for her is to get better and fast so
that she may even smile.

Mom, I love you. If only there was something I can do for you.

… and I’m still here waiting.

No… I don’t want to hop straight into a car and go to any shopping mall to shop.

No… I’m not waiting for my hand to be taken in for marriage.

and No… I’m not waiting for the time to pass by.

I’m just waiting. But, I don’t know who or what I am waiting for. Maybe I kid myself. I know what I am waiting for. A reply. That’s what I am waiting for.

Heck, it’s not like this reply means anything pun. It’s just another reply.

Somehow, my innerself is STILL waiting. Dumb. Naive. Stupid. Innerself.

Why does it matter if this person replies or not?? Ntahlaaa… I’m just being a fool.

~~~***~~~

Today I had ikan Haruan. I don’t know why my mom insisted it taste like medicine. I like it very much. Sedap. She boiled it into a very thick soup and I like the smell of it.

Early in the morning, I received a call from my sayang. He was on his way to work. I was actually awake but still lazying in bed. Never knew lazying in bed was such fun. Especially when I got to dream of things I wish to do. I run. I shop. I walked around with my friends… in my dreams.

All without pain or any aid. In my dreams, I was happily walking like a normal person. I wonder how far the future is that dream? Anyways… if those dreams were meant to lift my spirit, it sure did. But, it also made me so lazy to get up. Savouring every moment of the dream was fun.

(Mom said at one point I was panting as if I was running… I think I was, in my dreams)

Later, my sayang sms me saying that he had already arrived to where he was suppose to be. I was having fun sms-ing him, then… this person called. Miss X (no real names to make sure identity hidden).

Miss X was asking bout her husband. (Yes, people think my handphone is a hotline for "Dear Sarah…" episodes kot…) The husband is related with my sayang somehow. She was wondering if my sayang was out with her husband yesterday night.

To say that I 100% trust my sayang, that’s a lie. But, I have my amount of trust towards what he tells me. I know that my present predicament makes it even harder for me to know whether he tells the truth or not. No matter what, there’s ways to find out the truth of what he said to me. Though, I’m not bothered. Why? Because, even IF he had lied through his teeth who he had met up yesterday, it was not my business. It’s ONLY my business if it had something to concern about me.

For the temporary months that I’m bed-ridden and house bound, I choose to live in denial. Denial towards my jealousy and denial towards things that might just make me be angry with my sayang. I just have to trust him what he says.

I asked him directly whether he met Miss X’s husband in one of my sms after I hung up with her. He said no. I took it at that. Even if he was lying to me, Miss X’s husband is none of my concern.

My sayang came by at about 6:30pm. He showed me the phone calls that he had received and missed. It was clear that Miss X’s husband did try to contact him but he didn’t pick up the phone. His number was listed in the Miss call list. I didn’t press to ask about the Dialled numbers in his handphone. I’m in no mood to find out if he is lying to me.

For now, I’m trying to be selfish. I will not make myself stressed over other people’s woes and problems. It’s not as easy as it sounds. I care about those I know. A little too much at times. That’s what makes me a good listener to most of them. My sayang is the opposite. He seldom listens to other people’s woes. He only does so to those he cares for. That includes me and a couple of my friends and his. Not many. But when he listens, he can really listen.

Ntahlah Miss X. I know you’re not in my friendster’s list… but I still wanna say this. From the start you knew that this husband of yours was creating problems… you tell me about it in every single detail, but YOU chose to marry him. He’s a good companion for laughs and fun but responsibility, he is still not matured enough. Until this present day, I think his mind has not settled in that he has a responsibility to take care of the wife; not the other way around.

I don’t know my future with my sayang. I know we are not perfect either. I know my sayang is playful… but he is learning. He knows responsibility that is why he terang-terang kata he is not ready; but he wants to take on the responsibility when the time comes.

I was and still am in no hurry to be anyone’s wife. To carry that responsibility to me is heavy. But I know I want to be a wife and a mother; to whom… that’s for God to decide.

My sayang and I, we love each other… we’re hoping to be together til the end of our lives as a blessed couple in God’s eyes; but, kita merancang, Dia tentukan-Nya. To say I don’t hope for it to happen, is not true… but to say I will be married to my sayang, is not true either.

Miss X, you married him. You made your choice. I’m sure you have your fun and romantic times but you have to understand that your man is still a boy (if what you have been telling me is true).

With utmost respect towards you, Miss X… I hope you don’t call me for the time being; ‘coz I have no will to listen to your same problems over and over again. Boyfriend problems, Missing ex-s problem….. that I can tolerate. Marriage, I’m not even there yet to give you advice or help you in anyway. Cakap salah, tak cakap salah. Mengiyakan apa yang Sarah dengar, nanti korang gaduh and ada kemungkinan cerai… menidakkan perkara yang benar, Sarah tahu, lain kali dia buat perangai lagi… and then you will call me. It’s a never ending circle.

Bukan Sarah tak nak dengar…. Tolong faham, Sarah sekarang tengah cuba cari semangat untuk diri sendiri… untuk berjalan semula.

So hear I will say…,

"Hold ALL Marriage Problem Phone Calls… The Listener is on VACATION to heal!"

…did you guys miss me?

Nah. I’m just one small being. I doubt anyone really missed my presence. But I sure do miss being online!

Friendster Last Log in : 2 weeks!

Not bad huh? At the time I was away, there were testimonials to be approved and one message from a friend in my connection.

Well, the experiance of being operated was truly an amazing one. As usual, there’s the needles and the drowsy medicines… but after that it is the recuperation period. The straneous exercise. I have to make sure that my muscles on both arms and also my left leg are built to work whilst the right leg is trying to recover.

My hospital days were filled with tests and tubes and medications from the doctors and nurses. The visiting hours were filled with people who I love coming over to visit and cheer me on. They had added my recovering mind. The willpower to continue living and try harder to walk.

The operation (3rd May, 2006… Wednesday) :
Duration was from - 11.30am to 3pm.
10am - up and ready
10.30am - nurse came in giving me the white baju. Got ready.
11am - went in the operating theater. Prep for spinal bius.

…my legs felt numb. They pricked my skin and I couldn’t feel anything.

Operation start at 12pm.
I was not given general anesthatic; which means I was awake in the duration of the operation. I requested to be sedated, but I couldn’t sleep.

What did I see?
The doctors that was to operate my leg in full body suits like space suits. They started a conversation which I was not really concentrated on. Much teasing was done in the operating theater.

What did I hear?
Drilling sounds.
Suction of blood sounds.
My doctors talking.
and also knocking sounds.

Was it scary?
The thought of it now, rewriting it back and telling people, it does sound scary.
But, when I’m alone… and I thought of it, I smile.
I went through something that’s scared my guts… but I went through it. For that, this particular experiance deserves to be put in my journals and whatever memory book or even any bulletins in friendster as the most remembered experiance of my life.

I did go through the same thing during kidney biopsy. To me, that is just a small thing. They applied local anesthatic and I was awake the whole time.

This Total Hip Replacement or THR (as the medical people call it), was a major operation. I was prepared for slip ups or even leaving forever this world I had accustomed to… but, ALHAMDULLILLAH, no slip ups and I’m still here.

I would also like to add here my THANKX to these people :
(according to the order of day that you peep came by)
Sofia Shereen Kambali (my sister)
Mohd. HaMeezy
Shahril Nizam Abdul Karim
Syahrunizam Harun
Sandesh Kabir Singh
Raina Kiren Kaur
Farah Hanim
Nadirah
Uncle Hafidz
Munirah Hafidz
Linda and Nik (my SLE nurses and friends)
Uncle Shamlan
Sarah Khalilah
Hanim Azad
Abby
Radzlan
Nadia Ashikin
Sarapini (P’ning)
Areej Torla
Aiman
Aunty Nora (Shahril’s mom)
Nik Waheeda
…and her sister
Farhana
Pucha
Siti Ruvina (Vyna)
…and her mom

also… my father’s side

not to forget.. all the sms that I had received….
Namely from : -
Fatiha Hana
Farah Kamal
Sri
Melati
Siti Khatijah Halmi
…and all that I forgotten to mention.

These are the people that had came over and cheered me on during my stay there. Without them, I’d be bored in the hospital. I am truly blessed to know that I have such dedicated and colourful friends in my life. I’ve gone through 24 years of my life thinking that I don’t matter. Yet again, I’m proved wrong. It’s good to know that my friends are there to be my support during times as crucial as this.

Whoever you are out there, that had heard of my operation andhad also prayed for the operation to go well and that I recover well; I thank you too. Without your prayers, I’d not have this strength. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

*btw… I was in purple the whole time I was in the hospital. A dreamer’s colour. Piscean colour.*