Me, MYSeLF & i…

…aku terasa kehilangannya.

Aku mungkin tidak menunjuk emosiku terhadap dia yang sudah pergi, tapi aku tetap sedih dia telah pergi meninggalkan kami semua di waktu anak-anaknya berniat menunaikan solat Aidilfitri.

Tidakku sangka, masanya sudah tiba. Menyesal diriku kerna tidak dapat bergambar dengannya sewaktu dia masih di dunia ini. Jubah konvokasiku masih bergantung mengharapkan dapat bergambar dengannya… Kali terakhir ku jumpa dia, dia memang handakkan diriku terima inai yang dibelinya dari Mekah, tapi ibuku yang ambil dan gunakannya di jari-jari kakinya.

Sebak juga bila ditanya, "how are you holding up?". Nak je aku cerita segala di hati… tapi lidahku kelu tidak terkata, air mataku tersekat tidak terjatuh rasanya.

Al-Fatiha nendaku. Sudah hampir seminggu kau pergi… hampir seminggu sudah hari raya.

Aduh. Sedihnya mengenangkan dia… tapi airmataku tersekat di mata. Hujan yang turun macam gambarkan hatiku yang sedih…menangis bagi pihak diriku.

…only today.

Tadi, I went to my uncle’s house in Gombak to visit my grandfather, the
only living orang tua left in this world. I was being more and more
tentative to him as I was going home. Not that I’ve treated him less of
respect, but I do it more this year.

I smiled and laughed a lot there. But I couldn’t help but looking with
amazement to my daddy. He just got back on Friday but yet in the
morning, he followed my mom to Seremban to beraya with my mom’s
relatives.

Dad tries his best to fit in and he doesn’t go astray on his own. He
respects my mother’s family and pays a visit to each of them even
though he just lost his mother.

On the day of my dad’s mother’s death, it was raining heavily. My dad
was exposed to the rain and I knew he was already sick.. yet he didn’t
falter. He went on being the eldest and stayed on til Friday. We had to
go home… there was no place for us to be there.

We could’ve stayed, but he agreed that we should go home.

For four days I was without my daddy at home, and honestly, we miss him
a lot. Everything bout daddy… I guess, no matter how annoyed I am of
him sometimes, it’s all those things that makes me love him.

Today, we all beraya as one whole family. Only now we have pictures of Raya… will post them up in the picture zone.

I love you daddy… even though I don’t show it.

Hari nih marks another victory for Manchester United. 4-0 with the
Bolton team (who was third in the league). We still maintain our
placing and that’s a good thing on sight.

So happy with Rooney’s second goal.. it was beautiful. He scored 3
goals altogether in the match with Christiano scoring 1 on the 82nd
minute.

"…sorry gurl, Uncle support anyone playing against MU…" haha… tak pe, I still love your HUT.

I had a good nite tonite. Shahril brought me to a mamak stall to have
dinner. I really don’t mind where I go with him, so long I am with him.
I know he was tired, and I understand it very much…. he works on a
Saturday too… til 6pm.

Kesian my sayang.

Anyways… after dinner he asked me if I wanted to go anywhere else. I
said, you’re tired.. let’s go home. He said, takpe, let’s ronda2. And
so we did…

All the way to coffee hut. I got to sit and just spend a little more
time with him. On our way back, I just had to smile. God, I feel like a
love sick fool….

He sent me home, we parted but still main lambai2 through the walls… ye laa, jiran mah.

Hmm.. I wonder bila laaa we don’t have to lambai2 through walls dah? *Sabar sayang - is something he’d say* tee hee.

Movies I am dying to watch:
1. The Red Kebaya
2. Diva Popular
3. Bilut
4. Dukun
5. Cinta (30th November)

~ini semua MUST watch at cinema because they’re local production. MUST MUST MUST!!!~

Still reading? Ok laa.. out of ideas.. I nak tidur.

Thank you Sayang for bringing me out tadi. I will follow you. It was fun and lovely!

Today, my blogging is a little different. Although it’s not neccessararily aimed at my sister… but it does happen sometimes between us.

How does sibling rivalry start? When one of the sibling thinks that the other has more than they deserve. Sometimes, the eldest thinks they are suppose to be better than the rest, and so if the younger ones are having it better rivalry starts.

That’s my opinion. I think sibling rivalry is a chronic disease in a family.

The cure… I am no doctor or scientist.. and I am definitely not a psychologist… so, what do you think is a cure?

But you know what, why waste your energy being rivals and being negative amongst each other when you can have the same amount of rivalry with positive energy to make each other productive… sigh.

Anyone has a cure for sibling rivalry? I surely wanna chug it down the throats of these siblings….

…and you gave it to me.

I just lost my grandmother. I finally accepted that fact. I want so much to just cry… but I can’t. It’s something we just cannot do in this family.

My daddy is still in Johore. Their having 3 days tahlil for my late grandmother. No disrespect, but just to keep my mind off from thinking too much, I decided to go through the day as though Raya still means something to me.

It gave me very little joy, but the good thing was I didn’t cry. I managed to smile but Shahril caught me looking far away with this sad look on my face once or twice. I was in a trance… thinking of what had just happened. He was trying his best to be supportive, for that I have to give thankx to him for making the effort to make me smile.

I know that if I was left to go home after the Raya visit to his house, I’d be devastated and in a lost trance of depression and sadness. So, he had followed my kehendak and we had gone to a couple of my friend’s house in ttdi as I have planned in my mind.

I woke up early in the morning to have my usual "Fosamax" medication. It was a Wednesday, and so it’s compulsory to have them. After that, I helped mom a bit with house chores but I don’t think I helped enough. She was even in more depressed mode than I. Nothing can compare to my mother’s depression. She was so down that I felt guilty of making plans with Shahril to "beraya" at his mom’s house.

But, she seemed fine after 11:30am. I had gotten ready and Shahril came by to visit me for raya. He had my sister’s rendang and my mom’s Raya food… yes, Sarah ere still malas nak siapkan food raya. Soon people, soon.

Anyways, at about 1:30pm I went to visit his house - NEXT DOOR. For those who are reading this the first time, and knowing the first time, my boyfriend lives a house away to mine. It has its perks and disadvantages.

At his house, Kak Ngah was there with Baby Hani and Baby Martin Shah. Ya Allah, chomel sangat! Dua-dua chomel. I love kids… (yes Nad.. tick-tock)

Then, Uncle Zali’s family came by the house. Meriah lagilah the house. It was different to be celebrating Raya with those not of my family - yet. Shahril tanya, lepas nih nak pergi mana?. I said, Kalau nak ikutkan, I wanna go somewhere. If you tak larat pi jauh2… we attack two houses in ttdi cukuplah.

He said ok.

First house was Fatiha. Oh boy… did we have fun! Two pisceans got caught to be
together during the rain. She was so happy and bright. So different. I guess, when things as such happens, people becomes happy… btul tak Ha? hihi… I enjoyed laughing with her… and the cookie you made was scrumptious Ha. Buat lagi next time ok?

Then, we went back. Uncle Zali needed a guide to Uncle Kamal’s house. And so, we all head out by 3:30pm. Uncle Kamal lves somewhere in Kota damansara. He’s a funny man. Very "mengena" type.. but it was fun to layan and laugh. Then, Shahril’s aunty came. Memang meriah laa…

I was sitting at a corner and I looked out. This scenery I remembered. It was when I was younger when I had a place to go to. I would always sit at a corner "memerhatikan" and also "mengopeng" what’s being said and actions of those elderly during Raya meets. I smiled alone at the corner realizing that I am feeling the way I did years ago.

I was constantly being "usik" by Uncle Zali, Kamal and Shahril’s aunt… but it was something I have gotten used to by now. But, playing coy was good as it helped to layan them more. Hihi…

On my way back, went to Rahman’s house. OMG… the cookies are homemade cookies!! Sedap ooo… Anyone who thinks of beraya with REAL kuih raya that’s not bought, go to Rahman’s house. I’d even be a tour guide IF anyone wants to go there tapi no direction.

I’d do it for those melt in mouth peanut chocolate balls… yummm…

Came back and I am still with strength. Had made myself packed with things and events of today to be thinking of what had happened in the family.

Surely beats my original plan… go to Kiara Park and cry my heart out.

…as I was growing up.

I never really hated raya, but I never understood why we had to
continously visit the relatives all in one day in a hurry. I remembered
going back to Negeri Sembilan and celebrating it there with my cousins
and uncle of my mom’s side. Every raya it has been to my mother’s side
the last day of puasa and the beginning of Hari Raya til late
afternoon, where we would start our journey back to Batu 19, Air Hitam,
Muar, Johor.

That tradition broke when I was the age of 16. We seldom have that
Raya, and I truly started to feel the lost of it then. When I was
younger, I had always thought of going from one house to another was a
chore… but the collection of duit raya was worth it to be going to
any house. Oh, and the kuih RAYA… Both my grandmothers love to spoil
their grandchildren with their fave kuih.

I remember being such a spoilt child that my grandmother on my mom’s
side would be baking "sarang semut" just for me, and my sister "kuih
lapis". We’d have break fast on the last day with her ever famous sup
ekor which she had cooked from her own recipe. No such thing as instant
stuff… yes. I was a spoilt grandchild. So was each and every
grandchildren of my grandmother.

My dad’s side would ALWAYS have kerepek for me. She knows that I love
her fresh cooked kerepek pisang… Selalulah bertin-tin my grandmother
of dad’s side would bekalkan for our journey back home.

We would be sleeping in a room with a rough matress in a house with a
VERY long hallway. When I was younger, we used to have kejar-kejar and
hide and seek. The boys would panjat the pokok jambu belakang rumah.
Me.. I would not be lifting a finger for housework either. The rest of
the grandchildren had did that their part, but me… and my sister, we
were like princesses. Anak-anak Kambali Semon… nose always in books
when there was no one to run in the hall with.

One raya, I had brought my magic trick set balik kampung and performed
in front of my cousins of my dad’s side. I’m smiling while I’m typing
this… remembering memories of Raya surely beats the pain I am
enduring today.

Boleh katakan the stretch of Muar and some parts of Keluang was of my
dad’s relatives. We had gone from one house to another house on foot
and car. I dread going purely because I couldn’t remember their names
and faces when they could remember me perfectly. Why do I have such
poor memory of them all…? Even my dad’s other 10 siblings, I can’t
remember… all except for Cik Aki, Paman, Bibi’, Cik Ila, Cik Ina, Cik
Com… the rest I get confused all the time! My cousins tak yah
ceritalah, dad’s side RAMAI!! to name all, would take me the whole
night because I can’t remember each and every one of them.

I’m the daughter of the eldest son of my dad’s family.. but, I’m not
the eldest amongst my cousins.. reason being, my dad marrieda little
later and I was born 5 years after marriage.

I lost my grandmother on my mother’s side when I was 15… 3rd
November, 1997 bersamaan 1 Rejab. Reason that I remembered, I was
having my PMR at that time. She died during my BM paper.

We lost the priviledge of real Raya then… even though we act as
though nothing had happened and many things were being done to lift
Raya spirits, we knew that Raya was no longer what it was.

We still got Johor. But we don’t go back that often… even if we
planned to go, something just had to come along and we’d be stuck
cutting our Raya short.

Today, 24th October, 2006 bersamaan 1 Syawal, my dad’s mom… my
grandmother passed away at 8.45am. Daddy tak sempat nak jumpa, but he
was on the way. We followed suit with my mom’s younger brother, Uncle
Shamlan, to Johor…

I’m still in shock, and I refuse to cry. But, I know that I will…

Al-Fatihah kepada Hjh Saodah, mother to my father - Kambali bin Semon.
Semoga rohnya diterima di sisi Allah dan tergolong dalam orang-orang
yang masuk syurga.

Selamat Hari Raya everyone… please excuse me if I don’t feel that festive this year.

…make it four.

1. Cancellation plans. Ok… maybe I shouldn’t over react, but I think I am having a little bad luck at making plans now. One couldn’t make it due to jam.. or so. Another just forgotten and doesn’t bother to answer the phone OR even courtesy to sms and say I can’t come. But, no biggie i guess… It’s Sarah kan? berapa lama sangat lah I can be mad..? I am annoyed… but given the situation, i think I shouldn’t be so annoyed kot? People ada life sendiri. I should learn to have my own.

Nevertheless, Shahril and Nadia was there. My two people who will always brighten my nights…

2. Talking with an annoying guy online.
Ok… this guy (who shall not be name) has recently made contact with me again. I initiate it of course… silly me. Should’ve just let him be. Now i remember why I stop talking with him online… because he is so bloody annoying. Him and his stealer girlfriend… both happen to often lie juga. Clearly liars, stealers and cheaters are people I don’t wanna know. I’ve cheated on people, due to being cheated on. So, that’s different. But terang2 steal and THEN trying to clear yourself up by saying you didn’t, well… LIAR.

3. Read the most outrages thing on a blog recently. OMG. No wonder that person who I know phased out sekejap. Quite a blow la what she had said. Yes, I read the blog. How? Either dia atau my man pandai2 add each other and approve. So, I decided what the hell, masuk profile dia. Lo behold… wow. No wonder only "kawan" saja in her page. No, I don’t even know her… tapi dengan sesedap hati bercherita mengenai family… I think that IS too much. Pretending to like her? I love this person… who are you to be bitching things like that, huh? Apa proof ekau?

Are you THAT jealous that she has friends who loves her to be telling and spreading these shit?

4. I’m still up. It’s 2:30am. My tummy/womb is buat hal! Come out already so I wont be annoyed with everything….

Still thinking of that conversation I had with that internet guy… "then im sorry 2tell u dat ull loose ur shahril"… what the hell? IF laaa she even does that kan, you think I won’t be able to handle it ke? You think that the parents and relatives would want a person ………………….. like that.. (I’m soooooooooooo refraining from cussing right now… masih ramadhan).

gonna try to sleep.

Although our team had not won the Walk-A-Hunt held by the Sun newspaper co-sponsored by ING Insurance…. we had fun.

Initially, I had wanted to go and play this game with Nad’s unlce… he
was the one who brought my attention to this thing. Last-last tak jadi.
So, what I had done was actually gathered backup teams in case I don’t
have a team to go and Hunt on that day at One Utama New Wing Shopping Complex.

True enough some said that they were gonna go to the Hunt. The day
came, I don’t see them anywhere. There were 108 teams altogether for
this Hunt. My team was Charm and Chrystals
at 104. We were shot of 4 points to at least score the 20th place. It’s
ok… one thing I’ve done good is educate my other team members how to
hunt. They admitted it was equally fun and would join me again IF i
find anything else to go to.

My team comprised of : My sister and her two friends (Afzan and Ili
Nabilah). We had split up in the beginning. My sister covering the
Ground Floor, Afzan and Ili the first floor.

25 clues altogether. I had taken 10 clues of the Second Floor on my
own. Trust me, the Hunt is not easy. But nevertheless, it was VERY
interesting.

Example of these clues :

"A chronicle Child goes through this to get to a magical land"
Answer : Wardrobe (Chronicle Child : Narnia… the children went through a WARDROBE!)

here’s another…

"A mhytical creature and an insect lives here."
Answer : DragonFly (the tattoo shop on 2nd Floor)

"Eliza was such a person in My Fair Lady"
Answer : Flowergirl (Eliza was a flowergirl in that)

"A spinning toy with the first and the last of its series"
Answer : TOPAZ (A spinning toy is a TOP, first and last of a series - A-Z)

"A guy connected with an EU currency"
Answer : EuroMan ( EU is EUROpean money, Another word for guy is MAN…)
*if you were thinking of moneylenders… same here…!

"Broken fan with backwards fan"
Answer : NafNaf
(Broken is an anogram for Fan.. which after jumble it becomes NAF, and
backwards is a clue to look at a word backward, which is a fan = naf!)

", and tell me who owns it"
Answer : Boutique COMMA owned by (I can’t remember this tho)

Now tell me who could really do this well and better than us… we’re
beginners. I’ve only been for these things twice, once for that SLE
walkahunt and another for this SUN thing.

But, I’m not quitting. At least this time, we got the two treasures right.

The Treasure I got to solve was :

"This thing has the first matter and the first motion - (First matter : M, First Motion : M)
(can’t remember the three other lines)
Answer was M&M Peanut pack…

The other treasure was the Pilot pen.

I had fun. The team had fun… thank you girls. Ili, I want those pictures!!

…this would be my wish.

I would wish for every night be filled with glorious moonlight.

I would wish for happiness to always surround my heart to make it warm.

I would wish for the end to be as beautiful as the beginning.

…and I would wish you’re having sweetdreams of us.

~~~***~~~

Tonight
was different. I didn’t really hopes to go out with him because I
thought he’d be too sick to be going out with me. Let alone drive and
have fun with me.

Tonight, I feel so warm and fuzzy. I feel
high. I feel so loved. Suddenly, I feel special. And dear God, it has
been so long since I’ve felt anything like this with him. It felt so
weird to be fallin’ for a guy that I’ve been with for the last 3 years.
Not to mention the bumps on the rocky road of our relationship. There
was times where I feel like giving up so bad that it hurts me to say it
without shedding tears on my pillow.

Nights after nights I’ve
wondered if there was still hope? Was there still anything or anyone
there to be with…? As sure as light of the sun in the daytime, I’ve
not seen the reason for quite some time now. That I would honestly
say…

Maybe I was just being selfish? Maybe I couldn’t really
understand his standing? I kept on pressuring him? Not for marriage…
but for time to be together. Something so difficult to have and share
given the circumstances that we werebeing put into.

He kept on saying, "Sabar sayang.. time will make it all better."
Time was the thing that I didn’t seem to be getting and seeing. I
couldn’t see his vision of time. I kept waiting for this "time" but it
never came.

I’ve been in a relationship where time was all that
was demanded from me… which I tried my best to accomodate and create
for that person. But at present, it is the other way around. I am the
one demanding time from him. He is trying.. and honestly, I didn’t
honestly think he was trying hard enough.

Tonight… the
memories of tonight brought this "blue" blogging to life. We had our
date. No disturbances from anyone. Not his friends… none of my
friends either. Funny how there was no phone calls and there were no
sms either from either of our phones. It was as if we were the only two
people who existed for each other that night.

It felt good. Really good. Alhamdullillah…

…from the time I stepped in his car to the movies to the ride back home.

Thank
you Shahril Nizam bin Abdul Karim. For trying your best to make me feel
special again. For saying what you had to say. For doing what you did…

If I had a wish right now, I wish we’d always be happy and prosperous together til the day I sleep six feet under.

…this hair of mine.

I’m loving this style, and until I get bored of it, I shall leave it like and as it is for all times.

Went to Ampang Park, "Sam’s salon"… had a nice wash and trim hair for Rm 38. Worth it giler because I had the most relzxing head massage ever. Hilang semua stress di kepala. No worries…

I sat next to my sister. She cut her ever-so-long-super-duper hair, shorter. Now she looks a wee bit younger than her normal look. Her extra lock of hair made her older than me all this while due to the fact that I had cut it into a stylish short hair (which made me look young - haha.. sungguh bangga diri…)

I had my hair washed. 5 rounds of massaging… and man, that girl can really really really massage. It felt so good. Kecik je orangnya… tapi best tangan yang mengurut kepalaku yang mengerutu ini.

On our way back, there was this guy who was handing out fliers for a "Face Spa". He said the shop is right above. I smiled and said, ok. He asked, nak I tuliskan my number ke? I answered (genuinely thinking that I might need it to book the place), ok. He took the flier and wrote his personal handphone number. I bid my thankx and smiled and said, nanti I’ll call if i’m coming, ok?

He answered, tak pe.. if nak call untuk berkenalan pun boleh (sambil giving me a sweet smile).

Taken a back, I just said ok and smiled. Didn’t look back. I’m not used to this kind of stranger interactions….

But, everytime I have a trim of hair, this is what happened. Last 2 months was the same story, but different guy. Good attention… but my heart degil nak orang tu jugak.. so… logical thing to do was throw the flier. Which, I did.

Just a trim…on a unplanned Sunday.