Me, MYSeLF & i…

As some of you know, I turn 25 last Friday, 23rd February, 2007.

Quarter of a decade… not too shabby for my taste *winks*. I had spent the day going to KL to file in my Chambering papers and then I had a tour inside the Legal Aid Centre with Nadia. My darling lil sweet-pea.

Went to OU later on. Mom decided with dad to get me that watch I eyed on… Alhamdullillah, it was still in stock. I am now with such a beautiful birthday gift strainght from my daddy and mummy.

Anyways, after all’s done, I went home and slept. Until comes a time when I wanted to go watch a movie with Shahril. I honestly wanted to watch Qabil Kushy Qabil Igam… but I know he won’t be up for it. So I went to watch "Music & Lyrics" instead.

It was a good movie. I had to smile when Shahril turned and sang part of the lyric "Don’t write me off just yet". I have to give him thumbs up for trying to make me smile and nourishing this relationship back to how it was before. The "talk" we had really did wonders. I’m glad he listened.

Maybe, I’ll watch Dreamgirls with him later. So that he can enjoy a movie that I enjoy so much. I love the part when they sang "Listen". I’d dedicate that to him anytime.

Testimonials, messages and sms kept pouring in throughout the day. Many who I never thought would remember had remembered my birthday. I was so touched.

Although, there was this ONE particular person who had forgotten my birthday. I should get use to it by now… after all, he remembers his other new-friends than a person he calls "sister". You know who you are, dear… and yes, I am upset and sad of the fact you forgotten. Twice sudah.

My other friend fell extremely ill on my birthday. I was so worried for his well-being. Thank God it’s nothing. Kabir is now back to his bubbly self.. well, not bubbly per se… just degil! The I-can’t-sit-doing-nothing-Kabir is at the very least is back. I thank God he’s doing much better now.

The next day, I had a birthday luncheon. I’ve invited those who are close to me, because I have such limited space at home. It turned out half of the people I invited came. That was good enough. We had loads of fun! Well, I did anyway.. *winks*

I have to admit, I had delibrately left out this person who considered me a "sister". Why? The very reason of I don’t think I wanna have him around for my luncheon.

Kalau takat I am the one reminding you my birthday falls on what date, whereas I don’t have to be reminded by you of yours, I think I’d rather spend my day with people who ACTUALLY remembered and gave their 2 seconds to wish me happy birthday.

Today, that person called and reciting some poems. He was in his element. I guess he was trying to charm some girl. I bit my tongue and tried not to sound like something is a matter. After all, it’s nothing big… just twice of my birthday, kan?

The window of opportunity came though… he asked, "what other poems you think I should compose, sis?"(quoted verbatim, ok! there’s the "sis" again??)

I said, "Why not a poem about-how-i-missed-your-birthday-again?"

jeng jeng jeng… Needless to say, he was upset with himself for being an idiot. But I think it’s time I end this. He wrote a poem and sent it via sms (IN CAPITAL LETTERS… ???)

I replied via sms… poem too.

For me, it’s easy to make friends… in fact, it’s so easy with a smile, unless the other person decides not to make friends with me. Keeping a friendship requires a lot of things. Remembering birthdays, I guess… is a criteria in keeping my friendship. Tidious, I know.. but it just shows you remember me.

This person is sentimental like me… I know that IF I had forgotten his birthday, he would mind. But, I guess it’s easier to forget mine… coz I’m not of importance to him.

Look at me?!?! I have TONNES of people who loves me, TONNES who had wished on my day and wished well… and I’m happing on this ONE person??

Gosh.. sorry you guys. Just wanted to get the message out, IF he reads my blog.

To everyone else who remembered and came and wished and gave me presents and had presented themselves on my birthday… THANK YOU. I love you all.

…day!

The day started of quite ok.. til there was a call from him. Somehow, I’ve become his punching bag whenever a client calls and tells him they can’t reach the office. It’s as though it is MY freaking fault that I’m not there.

The fact that I don’t drive and I HAVE to wait for my dad to get ready, does NOT occur to him. The fact that I AM NOT a door-bitch and secretary, does NOT occur to him.

Ok… Came to office, got everything ready and made sure that I am set to start the day. Then, came the time when I had to call him to ask permission to go out early and get the bloody things signed and affirm…

Apparently, it’s my fault for not chasing hard enough after the client for their confirmation. It is ALSO my fault that the client reverts at the very last second, when I have sent reminder and called to remind about the documents that needs to be approved.

He raised the question — why does it take so long to draft an affidavit? Why is it that when I draft with you, it took only 15 mins.

I had stupidly answered that question.. that’s when it hit me… straight to my heart.

I said, I need your confirmation… you’re not in the office.

He said, But this thing has been given to us for a long time already. You cannot say I’m not in as the delay.

Actually, I can… the whole idea of drafting something is to get it approved by him. He was NOT IN during the whole weeks that I needed him. Johore la.. Election la.. Melaka la.. Cuti la..

So.. it IS MY fault for all that?

Lets say I send the documents without consulting him. Without telling him what is happening to the files?

He says drafting is suppose to be easy because I’m a blogger. HELLO.. I don’t blog legal jargons…

I was crying. When he was telling me all those things, my tears fell. I stifled my sniffles. I had to appear strong. But I was crying.

My colleague was going to take the phone from me. I signalled no. I will not be a weak person and let some other person get scolding for things that was "clearly" MY faults.

Masih lagi berdengung kata-kata dia. I cannot help but remembering what happened.

Albeit the fact today is the most difficult taxi getting day… I had twice the "fun" of talking to him… waited for taxi til 2.40pm, arrived at Denmark House at 3:15pm, tried to make it to the talk (which started an hour later than it’s original 3pm time)… Redraft statement of defence (after I’ve done the underlining and all…), got NO help in getting the affidavits prepared by the clerk… Albeit ALL that.. I am still smiling.

I was crying, sad, angry, frustrated… and I wished that I had REALLY REALLY sink the firm.

"Maybe you all don’t care bout the firm.."

I wished I had retorted there and then.. "It might seem that way to you, but do you really know what I think bout this firm?"

Maybe I shouldn’t care. I should just slack all the way. From now onwards, I’m taking long breaks… I might even come in the office late.

After all, he said I don’t care bout the firm kan? Let’s sink this baby!

It’s been a long day… I might want to take up smoking again…

It’s 3.30am in the morning… it’s V day morning.

HAPPY V DAY to all my friends who celebrates this day. As for me, I stand by my ways of not celebrating and that everyday is a V day if we want it to be.

Just a while back, I was at my friend’s birthday surprise at Coffee Hut. Her boyfriend had organized the thing. Her birthday falls exactly on Valentine’s Day. That’s one lucky girl.

She’s even luckier to have such an understanding and loving boyfriend too. He is as lucky as she is, in my view too…

I’m sure they have their fights, but they look good together and very happy to a point that I am at times envious.

Maybe I’ve been putting too much pressure on myself and the relationship. Maybe I see the grass is greener on the other side that I have actually forgotten that this was the relationship I had signed up for 3 years plus back…

Yet, I still don’t know.

Maybe I’ve changed? Maybe he has…? The chemistry between us is amazingly strong. I still love him, and I still believe he loves me too. But the fighting moments are occuring more and more often.

Have I reached to a point where I realized that I set a different and probably higher standard to be in a relationship? Or is this standard has always been there but never enforced til recently when I finally saw that it wasn’t satisfactory?

I think I am being difficult. I feel that I have too. Sometimes, I pity my man. He is trying so hard, but his efforts are easily shot down. Why? Because I compare the same matter to what-I-would-have-done… and I find that what he did does not reach my level of expectation.

OMG… I have expectations! Gosh.. when did this happen?

It would have been easier if I didn’t have expectations. It would have been what it was when we first got together. When everything was sweet and simple… when I didn’t mind rowing the boat on my own.

Now, I expect him to row the boat.. because I am tired.

I expect him to save the boat and me if he suddenly tips the boat over… I expect him to row the boat to shore because I wanna live on land, dammit!

(Boat - relationship, shore-destination, land-permanent stay)

Yes.. I have expectations. None of which directly involves with money or job.. although to live, money is needed.

Well.. happy V day everyone. I hope you enjoy your day.

Me… I hope he realizes that I am tired to be rowing the boat. If he doesn’t, I’m afraid if my tired self might just jump into a speedboat that passes by and offer me a lift to shore.

Sometimes, life throws you a hard ball… what do you do?

Duck… so you won’t get hurt.

Let the ball hit you straight to your face? …and feel the pain

Or… do you catch?

As far as I remember… I don’t duck. I don’t hide and run away from the hard balls life throws at me. I face them straight on… Sometimes i catch the ball. Most of the time, it slams to my face.

But I’m getting better at the game, as I grow older.

I realize there’s some balls that just continues to slam to my face. It hurts when I see/hear/smell other’s sinful life… not that I really wanna be sinful… but, it just hurts to know they get away with things that I can’t. Things that they havedone way worst than what i have done in my life, and yet they… "sihat wal-afiat"

It hurts to hear of vacations/long holidays/long trips… I can’t get pass Genting without a fight… or curi-curi.

Sometimes, I hear someone saying their life sucks, and I feel like smacking that person! What is fucking wrong with you, mate? You have it made… Sure, you might not have what I have… but what I HAVE, comes in a package. And it’s not pretty.

Early mornings, eat medicine. Endure leg pains, trying to walk without a limp so that I wont hear "Sakit ke Sarah?" (Feel like saying, "tak lah.. best sangat pagi-pagi bangun with throbbing pain in my left hip joint!")

Try avoiding sun everyday. Avoid to be stressed… smile all the time.

Your life sucks? Seriously, if you were in front of me NOW.. i’d smack you silly because you’re a friend.

Cuba bersyukur that you’re not insane, well and healthy enough to get where you wanna go… Don’t have to look so far, don’t look for what I have achieved… look at what i endure to get where I got.

Life throws you a hard ball… what do you do?

I catch the ball and smile.

I let it slam to my face and smile. (maybe even blog about it)

But I will not duck. Me no coward.

The key is to always say, Alhamdullillah… "thank GOD"

(Ouh.. and be VERY careful what you wish for… you might just get it without knowing…)