Me, MYSeLF & i…

Sometimes, when I walk alone, I feel like expressing how I feel at that particular time. But, it’s just sad that I don’t have a pen and paper OR even a typewriter OR the internet with me.

I was in KL today when I saw all the cracks on the road and the beams of walls. Following every crack, I thought to myself… how many cracks were there in me?

When we look at something, we fail to realize that we are looking at a reflection of yourself. Walking did not bother me… no matter how tight the shoes are. The cracks bothered me.

It made me to think. Those cracks are there… but no one notices them. It only takes a certain amount of time for the cracks to widen and later swallow everyone in its way or coming its way. Only then, it would be too late to do anything about the cracks.

There are pieces and cracks of me everywhere in this lifetime of mine. I wonder how big of a gap is the crack in my heart? My mind? My soul?

Today, after a long day… I had finally cracked to someone. I guess, it wasn’t meant to happen in the way I made it happened… but it already did.

Nothing drastic happened. But, I guess this would leave a crack in our relationship.

Have a happy weekend people.

I’m off to bed.

~Al-Fatihah to arwah Hashim bin Indek~

19.3.2007 / 29 Safar 1428 bersamaan dengan Isnin

Al-Fatihah.

Tonight, I received a call from a friend of mine who is now doing her masters in Manchester, UK.

It was so good to be hearing from her. It’s always a delight to be talking with this girl. She can always brighten my day/night with a smile. She’s like another "high" drug dose things that I can depend on.

We always have something to talk about without being spiteful to one another.

Anyways.. she had quickly and insistently request and asked me to check her friendster and my email. I was really wondering why… and in the midst of the whole recovering my desktop from virus via scanning, I checked out the email she sent me and directly straight to her friendster profile.

There was a whole dedication of photos for me!

She had gone to Old Trafford with her friends to watch Manchester United’s match!! The photos she took of the stadium and matches was dedicated to me.

As a return, I dedicate this blog to you, Miss Fatiha Hana. For taking outstandingly breathtaking photos of the stadium. Yes, you can find these photos in websites or magazines… but it’s a different feel when a friend is there and had watched a match AND took photos for you.

It’s not postcard quality.. but it’s better than postcards. It’s hot and fresh from last week’s match.

Thank you, Ha. The next time I dream of you, I need not be worried… I should know you’re doing splendid and just popping in my dreams to say you’re alright.

Luv u so much gal.

*Though I envy the witnessing of Beckham, Giggs, Rooney and the feel of the stadium… but I am definitely happy you had a good time that night. I wish I could be there with you.*

I miss my cousin.

I wish I could see her.  Memang tak de rezki kita berjumpa.

I pray for her… and I hope we meet again.

Insya-Allah.

The clock strikes 5pm. I’m still doing nothing in the office today.

Things has been rather quiet these past few days, I’m not complaining. I think it’s time I deserve a break and gather my thoughts.

I just checked all my friends’ profile in this network. I find that EACH and EVERY one of us is growing up. Not that any of us is getting younger, but I just realized that it is IMPOSSIBLE to gather our Form 5 1999 batch (No matter how much I want it to make that reunion happen).

I was looking at a friend’s profile. She used to be this girl I knew and gotten close to in university life. Things turned bad due to the alleged "me-stealing-boyfriend" incident. Maybe hypocritically, we tried to be in front of each other. But I don’t think either of us gotten over the weirdness. I for one am still "menggeleng kepala" when I remember what ACTUALLY triggered the whole incident.

After that, any events that involves me, my house.. I just don’t bother to invite my dear friend any longer. Out of respect of not wanting to make it feel any weirder. There’s absolutely nothing else to say between us anymore.

Then, there’s friends who I have grew accustomed to their MIA. I had grew to NOT expect these people to return my call, or even mean it when they say "I’d try to make it to the event".

Not a day in my life now that I have to endure the same repeats of my past. I haven’t change even though I have a chronic illness. I make friends easily and I try my best to be good to them. But no matter how big my effort to keep that relationship of a friendship working, I would always feel as though I did more than I am suppose to in being a friend + then I feel taken for granted.

Today, a guy friend had just sent a comment in my profile. We had a bit of a fall out… or rather, I don’t feel happy with how he has been acting. I’ve done what I could to keep him as a friend, but as for him to keep me as his, I at times and at most feel like he has definitely taken me for granted.

All those nights and days I had spent consoling and helping him out emotionally had left me emotionally drained. I don’t know why I actually care so much for this person. I guess, it’s just something I did when I was younger, 20-24. Now that I’m 25, the bubble has finally popped and I realized that nothing has changed. I AM BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED.

I guess, I’m just upset. I look at other people’s life and how they are so dissatisfied with what they have now… whereas, there are those who are of lesser fortunate than them to be considered.

There’s others out there who has a way more difficult life than me. But, for once I want to be challenged with someone, other than my mom, at their difficult life.

Please don’t come asking me things like :-

"Tell me another person who is working way harder than me?!" (as though I don’t work hard enough)

"You don’t understand… I have to pay my car bills, credit card bills…" (as though I am slate free from debts.)

"I wish I had your brains…" (yeah.. and then you do what with it? It’s not the lack of brains that’s stopping you.. it’s your attitude!)

I don’t know la.. I think I’m just jealous and PMS-ing now. Looking at all the pictures, I wish we would all just stop growing… but it’s never going to happen. We have lives now that are worth the wait of living. This is what most of us are waiting for in our lives.

It’s almost time to go home. That’s all the ramblings from me today.

My physical supporters for that day… 2 + 1

Actually… it’s 2 + 1 + 2.

2 - both my parents.
1 - Azrul
2 - Kabir & Raina

…the rest was the SLE Association & the Breakfast Crew of Flyfm.

Everything had gone bad at first. I came alone, sitting in alone in the round table with empty seats. I don’t put expectations to who might come. Although, I tried and made an effort to make this work.

Early in the morning, i made more sms and calls to the people who had said they would be coming. None actually replied back. I thought it’s sokay then… I’ll try to make it with whoever is there.

It was only my parents and me at first. I was stayin there and doing nothing. I ALMOST took out the sudoku book I brought along to play with. But I thought, I shouldn’t be shy. I should try to have fun regardless. After all, I am with FLYFM.

I love those guys. They crack me up. They are enthusiastic about their work and there’s a whole brother-sister-hood in their station. I love it there. Environment was tremandously wonderful.

The whole hours I was there, I had observed the people I had brought with me. It’s true what they say… that people’s true nature comes alive in competitions.

Honestly, I was not in the running for the RM1k for the money. I had a crazee idea to donate it to an organization so that the money does not have to be split up to 15 ways… equalizing to +/- RM66 a person.

The first organization I had targeted was SLE Association. If they were not keen, I’d make my way to MAKNA or even any other bodies that means something to me. My passion runs deep… some might think I’m just acting to be helpful, maybe i am… but the true intention is only between me and God.

I was happy when I saw Azrul there. I made a new friend name Calvin from Unitar. I had so much fun. I am touched by Azrul’s effort to drive all the way to Sunway to lepak with me. This doctor to-be is one hot stuff. (If he wasn’t younger, Shahril might have a competition.. ha ha ha)

We catch up with things. He was happy having to come there. I was happy to have a familiar face.

I made more and more friends today. I realized that I AM easy to just approach people and say HI.

The dee-jays were kind. They were nice. They were fun. AND they were bold! Ben had done a "sotong dance". I caught the action in my video camera.

They had announced the winner at about 3:50pm. Before they say who was the winner, I was bracing myself for the worst. Anything can go wrong. When they played the drums, I was saying a lil prayer… if this was for a good cause, let me win this for them.

Then… Phat Fabes said, the winner goes to Sexy Sarah.

I saw Phabian, Prim and Bazel heading towards Phat Fabes… I was confused. I know they said my name, but I was stunned for a bit. Honest. I was stunned.

I went up there. Said my thankx excitedly and had my name taken down.

I won! Two azam tahun 2007 fulfilled.

I won…. it’s still not sinking in you know!

Gosh. I won!

Maybe it’s pure paranoia OR maybe I’m just too extra careful??

I don’t know… but what he did just now was scaree to even blog it out. Gosh.

For those who are still not in the know, I’m a patient of LUPUS/SLE (Systemic Lupus Erythamathosus). It’s a chronic disease that is fatal if the patient has no strong will to fight the disease. That usually happens when somehow the disease attacks the brains. I have heard about 4 deaths so far that had died due to the attack of the disease to the brains.

Lupus is not something contagious. In fact, it’s allegedly hereditary. However, as to note, there is no one in the immediate family history with Lupus in my family. But, I concour to the fate that Allah has decided for me.

I accepted the disease since I was first diagnosed - 1st June 2002. I’ve concede to the fact that I had a major illness the moment my hair started to drop off in March 2001 and my joints swell and hurt in Dec 2001.

Remedy? There’s no cure at present. But the disease can be controlled via prescribed steroids and medications. It is NOT a cure… just to stabilize the condition.

Time and time again, people ask me what IS LUPUS? The simplest short answer would be it’s an autoimmune disease; in other words - antibodies that help prevent any illness from getting worst in your body; decides to attack and kill a fellow antibody. The antibodies in the body fails to recgonize the other and turn bad by killing fellow antibodies.

What’s effected…? The system of the organs and skin in the body.

Many patient starts off with "butterfly rashes" on their face. It’s a symptom that a person HAS the disease. The disease is NOT a skin disease, as many would perceive (thankx to the publicity from the National Service gal not too long ago).

It’s a disease thats real but not heard off. People perceive it as rare, but in actual fact, many has this disease. If you don’t believe me, pay a visit to HUKM, Cheras or Sunway medical Center or even General Hospital. You will see a range of women and some men patients with the disease.

If you’ve heard of this disease, it’s because you have a relative and/or friends who have it. For that I wish them well and hopefully the disease is controlled.

Why is it that people could not recognize if that person has SLE? Simple, we walk, talk and breathe the same as any of you. We have an extra smile on our face due to our positiveness. We believe we can change the world through our hardships.

Patients of SLE are vulnerable to any form of illness. We have low antibodies due to the fact that the steroids medication supress the antibody level.

Love and support is what a patient needs. Stress free environment & no direct sunlight as the layers of the skin is thin and that it’s a trigger for SLE to react again.

Me? I’m under controlled. The disease is sleeping for now. It has signs sometimes that something is not right… but, nevertheless the blood tests and other tests shows that I’m doing just fine. *winks*

This blog tonight is to create awareness for the disease that had caught me offguard four years ago. Through love and support of families and friends, I am where I am now. They had believed that I could get through the days well, and I am still fighting one day at a time. Lupus does not have a point of stages. It could be the most silent or it could be at its peak and fatal.

For my friends and people who came across this blog… I’m inviting you to join me this Saturday, 10th March 2007 to Starbucks, Sunway Pyramid. In this event, FlyFm Malaysia is giving out the cash prize of RM1,000.00 to the person who brings the biggest crowd to Starbucks and stays the longest.

Time : 1pm to 4pm.

The more the merrier! If I win the money, it is pledged to go to SLE Association. You can check them out at http://www.lupusmalaysia.org

A special shout out to Razlin. Thank you for your effort girl. I hope your blog will be noticed and people will come.

I had lunch.

…outside of office.

that’s how exciting my life is now! Even getting lunch outside of office is exciting.

But that’s just it… who did I have lunch with?

Biarlah rahsia… wakakaka…

Thankx for lunch.